Wistful Thinking

Well, here we are again. Another night of frustration and bickering. When is it going to end? I do everything to make sure you’re happy and yet you still treat me like shit. Okay, I’m not SUPER motivated, I agree with that but for fucks sake, I at least try to motivate myself and do better and you know this. I do care and you just don’t see that. I know damn right, you’re on POF talking to other girls while we’re still in a fucking relationship. I ought to leave you for that shit but I love you too much. I just want shit to be the way it was when we first met. I want the old you back. The one who confessed that he was in love with me one night after he drank too much. The one who only wanted to cuddle and love on me. The idiot that makes jokes and tries to play fight with me. Now all I have is a man who doesn’t want to look at me half the time. All you do now is belittle me and make me feel like absolute shit. I hope you know that all of this is gonna make me never want to love again if we do end up breaking up for real. I just want us back. I miss it more than anything. You grabbing my hand and showing me off to the world whenever we walked together somewhere. All the times we used to go to the movies just because we had nothing else to do. The times we’d drive to the beach when we didn’t have the money. I won’t ever forget the time that I begged to have you go on vacation with me and Tyler because I wanted you to be there. You convinced us to go to Miami. I had such an amazing time with you. The time we drove to Key West and then made plans to go back and sell stuff. (Even though we never did it lol) I was still happy about the idea because you came up with it. I miss all the nights we would go for walks just to talk about whatever. I miss everything. Late night drives and talks. Please, give me another chance to show you that I’m better than this. I can’t help but cry and cry now because I’m disappointed in myself that I’m not even good enough for you. I really do love you so much.

Originally posted by depresseddisneyprincess

I feel angry and sad at the same time tonight. I want to scream, yell, shout, punch something, and cry all at the same time. I feel this way a lot lately and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Medication does nothing to help. The only thing that I’ve noticed makes any sort of difference is marijuana. Mary Jane is the only one who can make me feel better, but it’s only when I’m high that I feel better. When the high wears off, I feel miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can smoke all the time, but I refuse to get behind the wheel when I’ve been smoking. What do I do when I have to go to work? How do I make this feeling of defeat go away? Do I just need to cry it out? Will that make me feel better? I thought that being alone was the problem, but I’ll be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone that can’t make me happy, or doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I think I just need someone who will understand and won’t judge me. I pretend to be happy but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to feel happiness all the time. But how? I thought that suicide was the way to go when I was younger, but I realized that taking your own life isn’t right. It may take my pain away, but I would never want to put that pain on those I love, even if it is just family. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. I try to talk it out with friends and family but it’s like they just don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve thought about speaking with a therapist, but I don’t know how much they can help. I just want to feel better already. I’ve spent the last 17 years trying to fight this. It’s only gotten worse and I’m exhausted. I’m done fighting, and I’m done feeling like no one understands.

I want your Monday morning sleep soaked eyes, dream drenched voice, lazy bones. “Five more minutes please babe.”

I want your Tuesday afternoon coffee break, glasses off, laughter on. “Just hold me for a while, it’s been a hard day.”

I want your Wednesday evening fingers through hair, teeth nibbling nails, neck craning, eyes glazing. “This paperwork never ends.”

I want your Thursday night drinks for two, bones unbind, muscles let loose, flats, slacks. “Just me and you.”

I want your finally Friday stretch soul smile, sun sipping light from the glaciers in your eyes, fingers unfurl, hand extends. “C'mon babe, let’s go wild.”

I want your weekend. Your movie marathon Saturday, reading by the fireplace, kissing in the blankets. Want your Sunday morning orange juice and pancakes, white sheets, tender skin, hair like the fourth of July. “Let’s not get out of bed today.”

I want your ordinary and your stress, rest, release. I want your bad day and that terrible night. I want you drunk in my arms, forgetting the place but never my name. I want your lazy and your lonely and your fist full of fight. I want you every day, in every way, for the rest of my life <3

Is it bad that I still dream about you? Still think of what life would be like today if you never left. Why everytime I close my eyes to sleep, there you are, sitting beside me telling me that everything is okay. Holding me, kissing me, loving me. I still can’t shake you from my mind, and I have no idea why. Just last night I had a dream about you. We were hanging out somewhere with a group of people I knew and you were sitting across from me. You kept looking at me and smiling but not saying anything. Then you talked, and oh my heart melted at the sound of your voice. So gentle and so soft. I can still hear it now. You asked me what my plans were for the night and I told you, unfortunately, I had to work and you said that’s too bad because you wanted me to join you because you were going bowling (weird, since that’s something you never did). And I said, well I can always call out. I mean, I do have tomorrow night off anyway and I’ve only called out of work 2 times since I’ve been there. And then your face lit up and you blushed at the thought of me joining you. You said, are you sure? And I said, of course. I would be more than happy to call out and join you tonight. You said, awesome with a smile on your face which in turn made me smile. I then mentioned that I would need to go home and shower and what not before we went out and you said that you had a shower I could use at your place, blushing as you said it. I said okay, blushing as well. Everything turned black and then we’re at your house. So bright and cheery. I can just barely remember the layout and the furniture. I can remember, me getting out of the shower and you waiting by the door (as if you haven’t seen me nude before). I get out and I remember you touching my neck, so softly. And then you just grab me and kiss me. My world exploded as I felt the same spark I felt when we had our first kiss. I melted into you like we were one again. I woke up after this, I guess my mind didn’t want me to see any more as I had woken up almost 3 hours before my alarm was scheduled. I don’t know why I still dream of you as if you’re coming back into my life. I would love that more than anything but I’m not sure if it’ll happen or not. Maybe it’s a sign? I don’t know. All I know is that as always I miss you.

I’ve finally moved out of there. Moved out of the shit hole I was in. The place where I couldn’t have any privacy and was paying half of the bills when there were 5 people living there. I was done, and I finally made the move and I couldn’t be more happy because for once I finally have privacy. I’m so happy with the place I live now. It’s beautiful. The neighborhood is quiet and the area is so relaxing. I’ve been through a lot when I was living where I was before but now things aren’t so bad. I have nothing to stress about. Nothing to worry about. The feeling is so foreign to me. I’m genuinely happy. I haven’t felt this happy since I was with my ex so it honestly feels amazing. I don’t think anything can really trump my mood. My now ex roommate was threatening to take me to small claims court for the rent money but she has no probable cause when she’s broken every single rule in the complex and I broke none. She moved people in without putting their names on the lease; she changed the deadbolt on the door when the 2 that moved in with us at first moved out cause she was afraid of them showing back up to the apartment. Who would want to? I didn’t even want to come home after work everyday cause I couldn’t stand being there. She also has her dog and the other one has her cat and neither of them paid for the animals to be there. So, I told management about all of this. You wanna threaten me, I’ll get you kicked out for negligence. Try me.